I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
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I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
uncle dave has been through hell
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.