I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”