[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My background check bounced.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I don’t think my car can fly
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Dammit Chief not again
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.