If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
You Might Also Like
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.