I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.


Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.


Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!


I can’t be DMing you 6 memes and you only acknowledge the last one I sent. I want 6 separate replies.


85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon


Sometimes things are not what they appear. Just because I am sitting with an open book doesn’t mean that I am studying.


Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat


I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.


There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room