I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention