I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

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Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.


I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support


Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.


[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug


Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity


When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.


I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.


coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what


Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life


Hi we’re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can’t ever find our dog.