I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
How can I say no to this ?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
real
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The glory of fall.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.