@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

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@awescar

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

@Ristolable

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

@TheCiscoKidder

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

@ErinChack

[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug

@longwall26

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

@ToonieLane

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

@myonlymizztake

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

@murrman5

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

@KevinFarzad

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

@j0hnonline

Hi we’re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can’t ever find our dog.