@markleggett

I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.

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@sixfootcandy

You’re supposed to pee on a Jellyfish sting and not a jelly stain? Well that was really embarrassing.

@SteveSuckington

Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?

@Kendragarden

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

@iam__kaycee

*Dating a Jealous dude*

Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone

@notacroc

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

@HelmdawgE

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.