I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
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[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Cause of death: Zumba
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.