This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
You Might Also Like
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
all bases covered
Growing up was a huge mistake
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*