I don’t like it when restaurant servers ask “So what are you guys doing tonight?” because it makes me feel lame. THIS is what we’re doing, Kevin. Eating at Chili’s IS the event.

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Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating


Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.


The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked


My Christian mingle username is: GAY4GOD hit me up, looking for love


I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.


I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.


HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?

Me: Lindt truffles.


Me: Dr. Pepper.


Me: Redheads….?


HR: Get out.


Ways Ryan Gosling and I are similar: 1. Up to date on our vaccinations 2. I dunno, that’s probably it and I’m not sure about that first one.


I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.