WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents.
Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end