I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
i- i did not expect this
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Many hands make light work
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”