In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
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I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls