“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Today, I鈥檝e been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you鈥檙e good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn鈥檛 you tell me there鈥檚 cheese in my hair
Him: you didn鈥檛 ask about your hair
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you鈥檝e got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 馃き
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.