I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
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“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me, in DM rooms…
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Okay, I’m still confused…
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.