@behindyourback

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

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@Cpin42

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

@aotakeo

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

@Gupton68

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

@muffkin7

Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’

Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’

Grandad: ‘Half past three.’

@NatePhilbrick

If other jobs got the same response as writing:

-You’re a fireman? Have you put out any famous fires?
-You’re a lifeguard? Can I be a victim in your next rescue?
-You’re a physicist? I have a few universe theories myself!
-You’re a chef? I’d do food too, but I never have time.

@markedly

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

@lyric_intent

Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

@TheCatWhisprer

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

@KKAlThani

Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling “Good one!” and high-fiving the air.