I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

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Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL


inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing


Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*


Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’

Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’

Grandad: ‘Half past three.’


If other jobs got the same response as writing:

-You’re a fireman? Have you put out any famous fires?
-You’re a lifeguard? Can I be a victim in your next rescue?
-You’re a physicist? I have a few universe theories myself!
-You’re a chef? I’d do food too, but I never have time.


Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair


Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?


Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.


Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling “Good one!” and high-fiving the air.