I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
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Covid like
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.