@SondraDeeMe

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

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@chris_isloi

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me

@NurseMurderer

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

@ol_boo

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

@tastefactory

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

@mejustbeth

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

@Ristolable

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

@ItsAndyRyan

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

@hippieswordfish

[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
*rollerblades away*