I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

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So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.


Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me


I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.


I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place


The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.


Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs


ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT


Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before


[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
*rollerblades away*