I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
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What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
When the stylist spins you back around
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did