I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
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In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.