I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
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5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Just so funny
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Sticker placement is key.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
u spoke cat all this time??????
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.