@kimtopher22

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

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@DaddyJew

TSA: do you have anything to declare?

Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war

@NotARatsAss

Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.

@TheHyyyype

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

@polyxendi

A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.

@ColoChiver

My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.

@ChrisStokdyk

Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

@MariyaAlexander

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

@slimmy_shady

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!