I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
are there any atheist mantises?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
i meant to share this earlier
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom