@Sachin_Sahel

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but the Winchesters are retiring this year and Pestilence just rode in on a white horse.

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@samhcarr0ll

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

@scorpicpanda

Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*

Him: “Where’s the food and why are you naked?”

Me: “Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic.”

@chuckyhead3

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

@stormy_hero

[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row
“AWKWAAAARD”

@LeftOf_Normal

My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.

@bighandsmassuer

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

@_davidlucas_

Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:

“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.

@Kendragarden

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

@ellentee

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

@SoGoFu

Dryer settings:
– not the least bit dry
– shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you