I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
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I am all good here, 😂😉
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it