I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
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no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what