I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
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Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs