My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
nature’s most graceful animal
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM