I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
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I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings