I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
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Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.