@StinkyGr33n

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

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@Ristolable

According to Facebook a bunch of handsome dudes got together and decided to marry all my ex-girlfriends

@KateWhineHall

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

@BillMc7

Taken 3 ~ It All Ends Here
Taken 4 ~ Listen, We’re Just As Surprised As You Are
Taken 5 ~ Whaaaaat!? Yep…

@HushJared

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

@dougbies

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

@BradBroaddus

My rear view mirror broke off. No biggie, I’ll just put one of my contact lenses in backwards.

@Adam14

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

@ranndrew

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

@somelightcrying

I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.