I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
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Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed