I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
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I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
can I use a minion as a tampon
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.