I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
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me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.