I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

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My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.


“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”


“What’ll you have”
“You want it neat”
No thanks
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*


tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate


Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow


Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.


Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on


What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance


Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.


*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*