I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.