I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Choose your fighter
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.