@Birdhumms

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

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@mollymcnearney

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

@MartaEffing

[sexy time]

Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.

*leaves*
*comes back dressed as Yoda*

@TheCatWhisprer

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

@AimeeHelene1

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

@ArfMeasures

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

@SincerelyMen

“Seize the day” in Latin is “Carpe Diem” …”Seize the day” in Douchebag is “YOLO”

@LoneWolfStories

That’s one healthy flower bed you’ve got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there?

-My attempts at small talk.

@BraandoCommando

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons