I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.