I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
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*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
where do you see yourself in five years?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
🔦🌙👣
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.