I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger

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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.


If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless


Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35


oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever


NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.


Idgaf about nothin y’all better help me get this s550 😂 naw but I’m serious RT!


Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.


My son just said he doesn’t like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood