@SortaBad: I've been informed by TSA that my man-bun is not allowed on the plane. They fear a riot from horny women clamoring to sit next to me

@KenJennings: WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE 1 Ricochet 2 Retrieve, rethrow 3 Line up birds precisely 4 Huge boulder 5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief

@dance_blessed: Eat 70,000 small meals each day to keep your metabolism going strong.

@GregBernhard: #OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

@tbhjuststop: actors kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 5 months