@MikeCanRant

I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger

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@robdelaney

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

@50FirstTates

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

@obijawn

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

@leifromloihi

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

@Marlebean

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

@BlaccieAintShit

Idgaf about nothin y’all better help me get this s550 😂 naw but I’m serious RT!

@Daily__Owls

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

@theshamingofjay

My son just said he doesn’t like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood