@MikeCanRant

I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger

You Might Also Like

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

@TheHyyyype

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

@TheAndrewNadeau

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

@bgdadyspnkbtm

If you send me to get burgers and fries, I’m eating some of your fries on the way home.

@TheBeerGuy73

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

@markleggett

MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
GROUND CONTROL: She knows.
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?
GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.

@LaneSperkus

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

@OneTrickTofani

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

@Shen_the_Bird

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun