My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
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Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.