Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
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– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
How software testing works