Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.