HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
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i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Best mom ever 😂
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.