The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
You Might Also Like
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.