I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

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[in a crowded elevator]



My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework


I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.


11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything


ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR


[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine


If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She’s probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny’s again.


$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin’ on virgin Indian tears.


When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”