I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
You Might Also Like
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.