I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
You Might Also Like
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon