I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
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When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?