@NikiWithIssues
You can’t prove that I’m not the center of the universe.
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@NikiWithIssues
@sixfootcandy
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
@BreweryBaron
One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.
@SentenceReduced
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
@cat_wall_
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
@jazz_inmypants
PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook
CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?
PETER PAN: yeah
CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?
PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-
CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad
@SCbchbum
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
@Kamiyana1
@InternetHippo
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
@XplodingUnicorn
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.