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@sixfootcandy

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

@BreweryBaron

One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.

@jazz_inmypants

PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook

CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?

PETER PAN: yeah

CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?

PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-

CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad

@SCbchbum

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

@InternetHippo

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

@XplodingUnicorn

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.