I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Every time my phone rings
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry