I don’t mind meeting her parents. It’s her husband I have always been avoiding.

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When she tells you she’s a dirty girl and you get the pictures and realize she meant she never cleans her house.


My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”


Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.


[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]


*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here


It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.


Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!

Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!


If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals