A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
this chia pet tastes awful
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Okay me first
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know