@GuyConfused

I don’t mind meeting her parents. It’s her husband I have always been avoiding.

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@_salt_n_lime

When she tells you she’s a dirty girl and you get the pictures and realize she meant she never cleans her house.

@Manda_like_wine

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

@thetigersez

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

@HomeWithPeanut

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

@Jmboyd58

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

@WhiskeyandMeds

It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.

@looktothepickle

Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!

Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!

@baronvonbike

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals