When she tells you she’s a dirty girl and you get the pictures and realize she meant she never cleans her house.
I don’t mind meeting her parents. It’s her husband I have always been avoiding.
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My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!
[Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.
Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!
Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals