Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
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born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings