Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday