I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
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A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.