I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
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I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I ate everything, including the H.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
no one likes gloating
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.