Storm Tropical Storm
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Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Lunatics are gonna loon.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
i prefer mine room temperature.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*